My parents have done a lot to support us through the years, financially and otherwise. They still help, even now, when we have necessary expenses above and beyond what we can handle (for example, the $500 medical deductible for Aidan to see a doctor outside our network). It often occurs to me that we do a good job of taking, but seldom feel that we have an opportunity to give back.
A few months ago, it I thought about the fact that my Father’s 70th birthday was coming up, and as far as I know, he’s never had a party thrown for him. My Mom isn’t one to throw parties very often - she doesn’t like to have people in the house and isn’t organized enough to plan things like this, it is very anxiety-producing for her - and although my Dad has expressed a desire in the last few years for more family gatherings, it never seems to come together.
Our side of the family is not particularly close, as my husband’s family is, and I’ve often reflected upon my desire to feel like I have relatives outside my immediate family. Hell, many people know me for years before they find out I have an older brother. He’s a very nice guy, we don’t have much in common, and we just weren’t raised to be close and depend on one another. I really don’t know him well at all, and we never seem to commit to getting our families together. This makes me sad for my children’s sake, as they love their cousins and don’t get to spend time with them. Luckily, Matt’s family more than makes up for that, as our kids are very, very close to their cousins on his side.
So back to my Father. He has a sister and two brothers, one of whom died a few years back. I’d seen his brothers maybe once in the last 25 years. His sister lives in NYC, and we see her and her four sons a few time a year. I have five other cousins on his side, one of which I haven’t seen since I was five, and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen the others since. My Mother has a sister I’ve seen once in the last 30 years, and two cousins on that side I’ve seen maybe three or four times in as much time.
My Mom’s idea of a party for Dad was to have my brother and his family, us and our kids, and Mom and Dad go out to a nice dinner. I went over her head and asked my Dad what he wanted. When he thought about it, he really loved the idea of having as many of his relatives as possible all in one place, but he didn’t want anyone going to any trouble for him. I had to convince him that it would mean the world to me to make that happen for him. He acquiesced, and I planned the party (Mom helped with the design details and food, and Matt with his “moving and hauling heavy stuff” skills).
We had around 35 people his Mother (she’s 93!), his surviving brother and sister, some cousins of his, some nieces and nephews, and his children and our families (being us and my brother’s clan). One of his nephews flew in from England, and his brother flew up from Mexico. Four nephews, four grandchildren, and several of his cousins and friends were in attendance.
I ran around playing hostess all day. My interaction with my long-lost relatives sounded a lot like this…”Fae, we’re out of ice; Fae, is there a spoon for the pasta? Fae, be a dear and cut some limes would you?” Because I was the one throwing the party, I didn’t get to spend time with as many people as I would have liked, and the time I did spend wasn’t of the quality or depth I would have liked. I did get to reconnected with a second cousin of mine, who I also haven’t seen since I was a teenager. We’re going to Philly next month to spend the day with her and her brother, and their children. I also had a good time playing hostess, and got a lot out of watching people - especially my Dad - enjoying themselves.
When it comes down to it, this day wasn’t about me…it was about Dad. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him so delighted. He’s the kind of person where things are seldom about him. What a joy to be able to give him a day all about him, with good food and company. And it was a wonderful success. I’m so glad I could give him a gift like this.
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